Acquainted with Grief

Acquainted with Grief -- A sermon preached at Jubilee Mennonite Church on Thursday, July 12, 2012 and at River East Mennonite Brethren Church on Sunday, July 15, 2012.

Begin with pp of Charlie Brown – nine slides. “Good Grief” pictures!

I doubt that most of us consider Charlie Brown’s grief as genuine mourning. However many of us use this same expression without really paying attention to the words. Is there such a thing as “good grief”? What would such look like?

Today I want to have us look at three different stories—stories of individuals acquainted with grief. First, David and the grief he endured. Then, Jesus who wept because of grief. And finally, a personal application from my own life.

Through these biblical stories and personal experiences I want to suggest that our grief should eventually result in “good grief.” Our first story is from 2 Samuel—the grief experienced by David.

 

Pause—To be read: 2 Sam. 1:1, 17-27.

David was certainly acquainted with grief.

Let’s reflect for a moment on the life of David. He did not have an ideal childhood—even his father seemed to have forgotten about him. Remember when Samuel asked to see Jesse’s sons, no one bothered to include David.

After a childhood in which he seemed to be shunted off away from the other family members even if under the guise of being the shepherd for the family, David was sent to check on his brothers. They ridiculed him. But, after he killed Goliath and saved the nation, David gained prominence as a war hero and then as a confidante to King Saul.

Certainly life should be wonderful, but no, even while helping Saul, David was attacked by the king. Up to this point David’s grief was the Charlie Brown type of grief—Good Grief everyone’s against me. David assumed the world was against him.

Suddenly David’s life became one of desperation. David had to flee for his life because King Saul wanted him dead. He was constantly on the run, a fugitive from Saul and his men. His days were filled with grief—loss of freedom, loss of comrades, even the loss of family security.

David was in constant fear for his life as Saul frequently attempted to have him killed. Imagine the grief caused by this unstable king. Then too, David was attacked by foreign powers. At one point he not only feared for his own life, but thought his parents could be killed. He sent them away to a foreign king for protection.

In the midst of all this frustration and fear David receives word that his arch enemy, Saul, has been killed. What a relief, right? Is this how we might react? Would this news not fill a person with relief and some joy?

But no, David experienced genuine grief upon hearing of Saul’s and Jonathan’s deaths. We could understand David’s sorrow for his friend & brother Jonathan. But, to mourn for Saul—that was another matter.

Yet David sorrowed deeply for Saul, God’s anointed leader. We get no indication that David had any joy in this news. David, in one fell swoop had lost his dearest friend, and his king. David truly was "a man after God's own heart." He didn't allow all the lousy things Saul did to him make him bitter. He kept a heart of compassion and respect for Saul, because Saul was God's anointed. He loved Saul, not because Saul was a lovable guy, but because God loved Saul. 

How does David react to his grief? His grief inspires his pen! He writes a song of praise that he expects to be sung throughout the land.

 But David does not stop there. His grief becomes “Good Grief” as he asks about Jonathan’s family. God directed his grief into positives.  David honoured the house of Saul in the midst of grief. He is reminded of Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s son, who is an invalid because of a previous accident. David calls for this man—who trembles and fears for his own life—and makes him a permanent part of the royal household.

David gave him and his family the royal treatment. He gave this crippled man the land that his grandfather Saul had possessed. Moreover, David extended to Mephibosheth and his family an open invitation to eat at the king's table.

Something good came from David’s grief. His sorrow became “Good Grief.”

Pause:  To be read: -- John 11:1-5, 17-36

Now for our second biblical story.

Jesus too was acquainted with grief. Throughout his life he struggled with sorrow because of the various circumstances he faced. Jesus showed great sorrow as he prayed for his enemies.

Jesus also wept for himself. Though the Gospel accounts do not specifically mention it, the writer of Hebrews indicates that Christ wept bitterly in those dark hours before the crucifixion (Hebrews 5:7).

In today’s illustration, Jesus wept for his friends. In the story in John 11, we note that Jesus loved Mary, Martha and Lazarus. These close friends helped make his life a bit more joyous. Imagine then his grief when he received the news that Lazarus had died. Jesus stayed away for several days, apparently to bring further honour to God.

John 11:35 poignantly states: “Jesus wept.” He was filled with sorrow as he thought about his good friend Lazarus. He wept out of sympathy for those whose hearts were breaking.

Jesus grieved but did something about his grief. Ultimately, he gave his life in order that we could have abundant life. In this particular incident, Jesus changes the sorrow to “Good Grief” by raising Lazarus and bringing joy into the family household.

Think about the change in that household—what a celebration. Jesus was able to change the weeping into joy; sorrow into Good Grief!

 

Pause: Song by congregation/group

Now for part 3—some personal stories to illustrate my (and our)

acquaintance with grief.

 

I believe many of us have experienced grief in some form—loss of grandparents, of parents, or possibly a pet, or maybe the loss of a job, of friendships. Grief is common to all of us in varying degrees.

This third part to my sermon is rather personal. It is especially difficult in that Susan lost a sibling just a few weeks ago. He was a special brother & brother-in-law.

I trust that these illustrations of grief will lead us to contemplate some “Good Grief” that will help others.

1.     During my high school years, we moved in with my grandfather in Clearbrook, BC. He frequently sat on a bench just outside the back door. Often when I came home from school he would pat the seat beside him and expect me to sit next to him. He would quiz me about my day and ask how things were with me. The day after my 18^th birthday my Grandfather died. We had celebrated at home and I had insisted that he have some cake. He suffered from diabetes and did not want to eat any sweet cake. I insisted, and, the next morning he was found dead in his bed. Was I to blame? Of course not, but my grief filled my emotional state. Grandpa lived to be 89 and had lived a very active, meaningful life.

2.     In 1972 my father passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer. We were living in Richmond, BC and would frequently travel to Abbotsford to spend time in the hospital with Dad. It was horrible to watch a rather proud retired teacher suffer so terribly. Towards the end we had a 24 hour watch for him. One morning Susan & I were headed up to his room for our shift when our sister-in-law, Rose, came to meet us and asked us to get Mom—Dad had just died. When Mom walked into his room, she dropped to her knees and thanked God that he could go and that the pain was now gone. Dad was 81.

3.     In 1992 Susan & I were taking our annual trek to the Fraser Valley to visit my mother and our siblings. We enjoyed the drive through the USA as we took a different route. We decided to phone Susan’s brother Jim to let them know when we expected to arrive. But before we got a chance to talk to him, Jim informed us that we may need to change some of our plans—my Mother, at age 95. had just passed away and my siblings were trying to reach us.

Three funerals—three people close to me had died. I grieved my loss but mostly I was content that all three had lived full, God-fearing lives. All three were looking forward to meeting God; all three loved God and had served in numerous ways throughout their adult lives. Although I grieved, my grief could be considered “Good Grief” because my siblings and I were able to praise God for these productive lives.

I was thankful for writers who provided helpful information on death and dying. Book stores carried numerous books on the loss of loved ones—meaning loss of parents, spouses or children. I learned all about the stages of grief and the expectations of grief.

4.     In 1996, after several years of suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease, my oldest sibling passed away at age 76. Peter was already gone from home when I was born and so we really only became connected after I was an adult. For most of our lives we lived far apart, but I enjoyed our visits together. He enjoyed life and frequently challenged me to try new things. I loved my brother.

I grieved. I sought out writings that might provide some help for my grief. Again, general discussions about grieving, death and dying were prevalent. Other books spoke about the loss of parents and/or children. Nowhere did I see any writings about the loss of a sibling. Why not? Is the death of a sibling not emotionally challenging?

5.     In 1999 I again suffered the loss of a sibling. This brother, two years my senior, was only 61 when he died. This was a loss I felt very keenly.

Even though we shared a bedroom and often worked together, Bernie and I had spent many years frustrating each other—fighting about most things, competing in school, in sports and home duties. But age does wonders—we suddenly realized that we really could be best of friends. Our families did much together—vacations, Christmas holidays, sharing many adventures.

What was I now to do? My brother, my close friend, was gone. I needed help. Surely there would be some writings, some books available to give me encouragement and comfort. Nothing—nada—not a word.

I could not find any readings that could help me. Therefore, in order to process my grief, I turned to my own writing. I like to express my thoughts on paper because this helps me face my grief. This has helped me tremendously but I continue to search for other writings that addressed my situation. Surely others have lost siblings, why do the “experts” not draw attention to the special relationships between siblings?

I continue to peruse the web, and must say that things are slowly changing. I have recently found some great web sites that give information about the loss of a sibling. This is great—maybe we can refer to this as “Good Grief”.

I have found that the loss of a sibling has affected me much more than the loss of a parent. Granted, my parents were elderly when they died and we really considered it a blessing that they could go. The loss of a family member is probably one of the hardest emotional experiences we ever have to endure. The death of a brother or sister comes with its own unique set of thoughts and feelings. It can be a confusing and distressing time, no matter what your age. How is the best way to cope with such an event?

How then can I, can we, make this grief become “Good Grief”? Let me suggest that good grief is possible especially if we join forces. My challenge to each of you is this: If you have lost a sibling note your feelings concerning that event. Talk to others who also have lost a loved one, particularly a sibling.

I would love to chat about those thoughts and feelings. In fact I hope to collect data about the feelings and the frustrations involved as one reflects on and grieves for the loss of a sibling. Help me out here—let me know your reactions as you mourned. Let me know what you found that helped you cope.

This then becomes Good Grief—our grieving brings positives that may help others. I trust that God will give wisdom, strength and peace as we convert our mourning into a positive, a “Good Grief” that helps us and others.